Bienvenue à la Saison Brantford / Kitchener Men's Indoor Golf League 2018-2019 Season

Jan 10, 2019 | Affiché par Pat Alpaugh

More Fun Stuff About the Rules...

Brantford, Ontario — Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described rules expert, Adrian Holt, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the Rules of Golf.  "Our game is under siege," said Holt, whose understanding of the rules is derived not from a close reading of the document but from the self-serving misinterpretation that he and his regular group apply each time they play.  According to Adrian - an otherwise mild-mannered and semi hard-working guy - the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the rules is the attempt by left-wing extremists to take religion out of the game.

     "Right there in the preamble, the authors made their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'” said Adrian, which is actually a line from the American Pledge of Allegiance, rather than the Rules of Golf.  "There's a reason they put that on the first page."

     "Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity and wanted the game of golf to reflect those values," continued Holt, referring to the "Father of the American Constitution," James Madison, who was never a member of the USGA and considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, who hated the game.  Editor’s Two Cents: According to informed sources at Golf Canada, neither the Rules of Golf nor the 750 plus pages of the Book of Decisions, contain the words "God" or "Christ."

     Holt said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he and his buddies call the rules has only grown over time.  He believes that each detail he’s pulled from thin air has contributed to making it the best framework for governance, ‘since the Ten Commandments.’  Adrian’s understanding of his elaborate fantasy world is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when confronted.  

     Adrian told me that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the rules to be but he’s adamant that people shouldn’t just take his word for it.  "Try reading the damn rule book sometime.” 

So, Any Update on The Playoffs?

      Well, my friends, it seems the playoffs aren't really much different than the regular season; Team One continued their march towards Men's Night greatness although Team Five are doing their best to make it interesting and, Jeff Shannon, on his way to yet another visit to the Most Useless Bastard list, hit a tee shot on # 10 that started on the mainland but finished somewhere in the great state of Hawaii. 

     The site for this week's play was the back nine of the Pebble Beach Golf Links and while it's one of the prettiest courses we'll play, it's also one of the most difficult.  Particularly the finishing hole which was the site of two 10's (Hallett, Schaeffer), an 11 (Letto) and and three septuple bogey 12's (J. Alpaugh, Heeg, Moyer).  Sure we had a few low scores; Chris McLean managed to get around in just 34 shots but, as usual, it was a particularly high score that garnered most of the attention.  To wit: when Jeff Shannon’s gross score of 56 (50 net) was displayed on the TV there was a noticeable look of disbelief on the faces of those who first caught sight of it.  It was one of those "glad it wasn’t me" moments that are often funny yet poignantly sad all at the same time... you know, kind of like watching Joe Persia putt or me miss yet another green from inside 30 yards.  Word slowly worked its way around the room and, I imagine, the World Wide Web that someone had just posted a number so poor, so unsettling and so horribly disturbing that the consensus was that either Jessica or Jaylee made a mistake while entering the score or Old Shanny had committed a twisted golf-themed form of hari-kari.  No one could possibly take 56 shots to cover just nine holes without purposely tanking the performance could they?  Alas, my friends… he could.  Jeffrey tried his best on every shot.

     We've got two more weeks of playoffs and although it looks a little grim for the two squads at the bottom of the standings, it's important to remember to things;  1) No one cares about your score or your team's position in the standings.  2) The points increase for each week of the playoffs so it's far from over.

Click HERE to view the Skins results            Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot results

Next Week's Golf Horoscope

Aries | March 21 to April 20: You’ll be ruled unfit for trial, but just fine for sentencing and execution.

Taurus | April 21 to May 20: Your golf game will inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives so they won’t wind up being as pathetic as you are.

Gemini | May 22 to June 21: You do that thing where you file for bankruptcy but remain rich, somehow.

Cancer | June 22 to July 21: You start to suspect that people just aren’t taking you seriously as a rapper.

Leo | July 23 to August 23: The stars indicate that next week, your game will exude a great deal of élan and puissance, but there’s no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.

Virgo | August 24 to September 22: It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it’s tragically prevented you from yelling “Fore!” to yet another group of innocent bystanders.

Libra | September 23 to October 23: This week, you’ll feel as if the game is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.

Scorpio | October 24 to November 22: The stars highly recommend that you develop some patience and the sooner the better.

Sagittarius | November 23 to December 21: Everyone has their price, but since yours is so much lower than anyone else’s, you’ve saved a lot of people from finding out what theirs is.

Capricorn | December 22 to January 20: You’ve made the necessary changes to your swing so all that’s left now is 10,000 hours of practice.

Aquarius | January 21 to February 18: You’ll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.

Pisces | February 19 to March 20: You’ll learn a painful lesson about accepting dares while drunk, but at least the boys in the bar will have something to talk about for a while.


Next Week: We head to the American mid-west to play the back nine of Prairie Dunes


That is all,



Jan 3, 2019 | Affiché par Pat Alpaugh

2019 is the Year Everything Falls Into Place!

Brantford, Ontario — Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be different despite having done nothing to advance the change, delusional sources reported yesterday that 2019 will be the year that this week's three Most Useless Bastards, Mike Schaeffer, John Buccilli and Mike Lestage think their golf games finally round into shape.  “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2019,” said Mr. Buccilli while sipping on a beer at Player’s last night, echoing the sentiments of the other two aforementioned league members who also completely lost touch with reality and have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support their optimistic claims.  “Believe me, I realize that I did nothing over the holiday break to lay the groundwork for any sort of real improvement in 2019, but I just know I’ll be hitting more fairways and greens this year.  It’s going to be great.”  Update: At press time, sources were reporting that after last night’s round, Johnny has abandoned any sort of hope for 2019 and is now looking ahead to 2020.

     You heard the man... It's time to grow your beards cause we're headin’ to the Post Season!  How does it all work, you ask?  Well, this nifty Q & A that should explain it perfectly;

League Playoffs  -  Q & A

Q: What is the format?

A: The format of our Playoffs is similar to the FedExCup format, yet is still accompanied by participation points.  Simply stated, each team competes against the other teams for a piece of the weekly purse, which is represented by points.  The lower your team's score, the more points your team will earn that week.


Q: What happens to the points my team earned during the regular season?

A: Teams will start the playoffs with the same number of points they accumulated during the Regular Season.

Q: How are the points distributed during the playoffs?

1st...      22 Points

2nd...     18 Points  

3rd...      14 Points  

4th...      10 Points

5th...        6 Points

6th...        2 Points

*  IMPORTANT: The points will increase for each week of the playoffs


Q: Will participation still count?

A: Absolutely! Participation Points will be added to the Performance Points listed above.


Q: What does it all mean, man?

A: The team in 1st place at the conclusion of the Playoffs will be our Player’s League Champions!  A distinction that admittedly carries little weight out in the real world.  Beyond that, not a whole hell of a lot.


Q: How long will the playoffs run?

A: The playoffs will run for three weeks - Wednesday January 9th, Wednesday January 16th and Wednesday January 23rd.


Click HERE to view the Skins results        Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot Results

Next Week: We're on the back nine of the Pebble Beach Golf Links.


That is all,



Affiché par: Cody | Jan 3, 2019 01:10 PM

Looking forward to the playoffs! Thanks for the blog posts, enjoy reading them!