Bienvenue à la Saison Brantford / Kitchener Men's Indoor Golf League 2018-2019 Season

Jan 24, 2019 | Affiché par Pat Alpaugh

It Ain't Over Til It's Over... And This One's Over!

     Fifty Three participants on six teams stretched out over ten weeks and when the dust settled it was Mr. Danny Marsh and his unholy bunch from Team Five at the top of the page.  Congratulations for being the league champions of the fall session.  Each member of Team Five will receive a $20 Gift Card courtesy of Mark Lefler and their names will be posted in perpetuity on the Men’s League Trophy.  Danny’s boys; Don Cullen (Vice Captain), Don Daniels, Ron Douwes, Gord Dunn, Marc Hallett, Jordan Matwyko, Ron Siminoski and Mike Smith were either at or near the top of the standings during the regular season and they finished 1st for each week of the playoffs.  Pretty damn good playing, gentlemen. Gift cards for the team, skins and deuce pot prizes are available at the club as of 6:00 p.m. today.

     It would be impossible to run the program without the help of Mr. Geoff Tate of Triple Bogey Brewing Co. and Mr. Mark Lefler from Player'sTriple Bogey have been there for us with drink specials since the beginning and Mark continues to subsidize the cost of the league each and every week. 

So, Is That, You Know, It?

     Almost.  Looking back on this session’s articles it appears I’ve pretty much nailed everyone that deserved nailing so, at least from that perspective, I’m prepared to label it a success.  I hope everyone enjoyed the program this session and I sincerely apologize if I left any of you out.  I promise to keep a closer eye on things from here on out.  A lot has happened since we fired up the simulators two and half months ago.  Don't believe me?  Well, here's a look back at what's gone on since we started this thing...

 

October

*  On Wednesday, October 17, 2018, Canada became the highest-profile country to decriminalize cannabis possession and tax and regulate its sales.  President Trump is said to be monitoring the situation closely but he remains supremely confident Canada will never compete with the U.S. on opioids, crack or heroin. 

*  Federal law enforcement officials intercepted several suspected pipe bombs addressed to prominent Democratic politicians including former President Barack Obama, the Clintons, Maxine Waters, former CIA director John Brennan and actor, Robert DeNiro.  It is an atrocity so horrific, and so shocking, that nearly three minutes pass before people start using it as a club to bludgeon those with whom they disagree politically.

*  Cesar Sayoc Jr. was arrested and charged with 13 counts of sending explosives across state lines.  Republicans immediately suggested that the U. S. should put restrictions on conservatives traveling into the United States until we figure out “just what the hell is going on here”.

*  On Saturday October 27th, 11 people were killed and many more injured in the Squirrel Hill area of Pittsburgh.  The suspect, Robert Bowers, was armed with an AR-15 and multiple handguns.  FOX News reported that ‘the suspect entered the synagogue, screamed all Jews must die and started firing.... ‘ prior to stating, ‘we still don’t have a motive…’ and no, I’m not making this one up.

 

November

*  The U.S. mid-term elections was the focus in early November which prompted President Trump hits the campaign trail to warn voters that if Democrats are elected, there will be nobody to protect the nation from a deadly caravan of Hondurans moving relentlessly toward the US border at approximately the speed of John Buccilli.

*  President Trump forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign, replacing him with a loyalist who could endanger the independence of the special counsel investigation.  When asked for comment, Sessions said that he was secure in the knowledge that he was able to resign on someone else’s terms.

*  On November 7th, Ian David Long, opened fire at the Borderline bar in Thousand Oaks, CA.  At least 12 people were killed, including Long, who reportedly turned the gun on himself.  The event was all the more horrific upon learning that among those at the Borderline bar were multiple patrons who had previously survived last year’s massacre at the Route 91 music festival in Las Vegas.  Is there anything more American than survivors of one mass shooting being caught in another?

*  During a heated exchange between President Trump and CNN reporter Jim Acosta, the veteran reporter tried to ask another question while a White House intern attempted to take the microphone from him.  The incident prompted Trump to shout him down, Sarah Huckabee Sanders to revoke his press pass, InfoWars to manipulate the video depicting the event and the President’s supporters to ask, ‘yeah, but what about Hillary’s Emails?

*  While speaking at a Remembrance Day gathering, French president Emmanuel Macron stressed that Europe could no longer depend on the U.S. for protection, calling for a trans-European army amongst EU member states.  I’m just glad to see the European nations have finally realized that war is the answer.

*  A fire in northern California destroyed nearly 10,000 homes, prompting President Trump to comment during a visit to the affected area that the primary cause of wildfires in California is due to a lack of leaf raking.  Finland’s president, Sauli Niinistö, despite claiming that he said no such thing to Trump was quick however to offer substantial aid to the U.S;

*  On November 26, 2018, General Motors announced the closure of the Oshawa car assembly plant complex ending 111 years of auto manufacturing in “Canada’s Motor City”.  In a surprise twist, GM asked the federal and provincial governments for another financial bailout to help them terminate employment for thousands of Canadians in a more efficient and productive manner.

 

December

*  A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed gun deaths in the U.S. reaching a record high, with such fatalities increasing by 10,000 from 1999 levels to 39,773 people in 2017.  Concerned representatives at the NRA were overheard to say that this is exactly why we need to stop releasing data about gun deaths.

*  In entertainment news, Kevin Hart was announced as the host of the  91st Academy Awards but he stepped down just a few days later when news of several tasteless, idiotic tweets surfaced thereby illustrating a key difference between being a celebrity and being president of the United States.

*  President Trump met with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, in an effort to end the escalating trade war, which, according to experts is caused by China deliberately making cheap products that Americans want to buy.

*  NASA’s interplanetary InSight lander proves to be an inspiration to all when it transmits a remarkably clear image of what a NASA spokesperson says, “appears to be a large mound of red dirt.”

*  Canadians gather to celebrate the most wonderful day of the year, Boxing Day, by reflecting on their many blessings and then assaulting each other over consumer electronic devices that are imperceptibly better than the ones they already have.

*  The U. S. government shut down for the third time since Donald Trump took office.  In this instance, the primary issue is the proposed funding of a US – Mexico border wall that may or not exist.  If I may… according to Trump;

a) Mexico is going to pay for the wall via trade deals. 

b) Trump could fund the wall via declaring a national emergency. 

c) Trump could keep the government shut down for “years” because Democrats won’t pay for the wall.

It appears it’s a wall of quantum finances.  It both exists and is paid for and does not exist and is not paid for.  Well, at least that issue is cleared up once and for all.

 

January

*  The updated rules of golf came into effect on January 1, 2019.  It does my heart good to know that the millions of people who play the game recreationally can now come together and agree to interpret an entirely new set of ineffective rules differently. 

*  TaylorMade announced its latest drivers (M5/M6) with the usual fanfare and indifference.  Industry experts remain in awe how much profit the company can stuff into a golf club.

*  After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia.  Man, oh man… a President does a hundred or so highly suspicious things and now he’s a Russian agent?!?!

*  Two instances of employer/employee pay disagreements were in the news this month.  PGA Tour member, Matt Kuchar was accused of shortchanging his fill-in caddie when he ignored the generally accepted pay-rate of 10% of the $1,300,000 he won at the Mayakoba Golf Classic and, according to witness testimony, Pena Nieto, the former President of Mexico who after requesting a two hundred and fifty million dollar bribe was stiffed by noted cheapskate, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman who only paid him one hundred million dollars although, to be fair, we shouldn't be too critical until we know what the customary bribe-rate is for corrupt Mexican politicians.

*  In response to Gillette’s powerful advertisement about toxic masculinity, Schick unveiled a misogynistic razor for those angry and bitter men who feel betrayed.

*  In a speech at the White House Saturday afternoon, President Donald Trump offered Democrats relief for the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program and an extension of the Temporary Protected Status program in exchange for $5.7 billion for a “wall” on the southern border which means he’s essentially offering to give back what he took away in the first place. 

*  The Edmonton Oilers fired their president of hockey operations/GM, Peter Chiarelli.  Unfortunately, the former player will be mostly remembered for abjectly inept trades, over-priced free agent signings and young prospects being hung out to dry.  In honour of his tenure with the club, he’s been offered a severance of $750 Million paid out over 225 years.

 

That is all,

 

Pat



Jan 20, 2019 | Affiché par Mark Lefler

Session-Ending Party

Hey Tour Players,

     Thanks for making this session the best one so far! 

      As a thank you for your continued support, the session-ending party will also be our best ever.  The party will take place on the last evening of this session – Wednesday, January 23rd.  Just play your usual league round while you enjoy some Player’s Indoor Golf hospitality.  Our hope is that players from the 4:00 p.m. flight will hang around for a little while after their round and that the 9:00 p.m. players will arrive early to partake in the fun.

     Here is the plan:

   * A complimentary Triple Bogey beer when you arrive.

   * Additional Triple bogey pints will be available for only $4.00 each

   * Pizza buffet at 6:00 p.m. & 8:30 p.m. with samplings of complimentary food from our new menu throughout the evening.

   * Trophy presentation to the winning team.

   * Dart tournament for those interested – prize: 25.00 gift card.

   * Watch our beloved Leafs play Ovechkin and Co. on the best TVs around!

 

Regards,

 

Mark Lefler

 

   Notice Regarding Skins and Deuce Pot Prizes: Gift Cards will be available for pick-up as of Thursday January 24th.



Jan 17, 2019 | Affiché par Pat Alpaugh

God Answers Player's Prayer to Grant Him a Decent Golf Swing!

     For as long as he can remember, Don Daniels has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer and bless him with a serviceable, aesthetically appealing golf swing.  Though many thought Don's plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true yesterday, when the Lord personally responded to his prayer with a resounding, “No”.

     God's response came at approximately 4:25 p.m. yesterday, following a particularly fervent prayer session by Don after he carded a “totally unnecessary” double bogey on # 14 and it became apparent that he was well on his way to the top of the Most Useless Bastard list.  His playing partners said God’s miraculous answer was obvious when Don’s heel-job on # 15 hit the side wall with such force that it in addition to significantly damaging the dry wall, the gun-shot-sounding ricochet caused all three of the sketchy bastards on simulator # 2 to instinctively kneel and assume the "position".  Witnesses to the miracle said Don begged God for several minutes to change His mind, but the Lord stood firm.  Said Jaylee, who witnessed the Divine Manifestation: "An incredible, booming voice said to Mr. Daniels, I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them…  No.  Not ever.”   Jessica said, "now Don finally knows that he will never escape the cruel prison of his ridiculously poor golf swing for God hath willed it so."

     Asked for comment, God strongly suggested that Don consider praying to one of the other intercessionary agents of Divine power, like Bobby Jones, Harvey Penick or maybe even a top saint.  The Lord stressed that it was a long shot, but He said he might have better luck with one of them.

One Week Remaining

     It’s pretty simple; for those of us who aren’t on either Team Five or Team One.  It’s our sworn duty to do everything in our power to make their golf lives miserable.  Here are the Standings heading into week ten;

 Click HERE to view this week's Skins results.  There is no need to click HERE to view the Deuce Pot results because there weren't any.  We've got a $90 carryover for next week!

Next Week:  We head down under, just outside of Melbourne, Australia to tackle the back nine of the West Course at Royal Melbourne. 

So, Any Insight Into the Final Week?