Welcome to the Brantford / Kitchener Men's Indoor Golf League 2018 Season

Apr 5, 2018 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

Team Three Completes the Comeback!

     Fourty two participants played 345 rounds over 10 weeks and when all was said and done we have Team Three at the top of the standings.  Believe me; I know exactly how you feel.  I had the pleasure of sitting with captain, Dave Pugh, last night while he tried to convince me this was actually a very popular win.  I have to admit that if you completely ignore their own play, Dave and his Vice-Captain, Jack Wratten, did a pretty good job this year and loathe them or hate them you must respect the accomplishment.  Dave, Jack and their godless group (Jeff Alpaugh, Satch Bailey, Brady Hill, Frank Lee, Chuck McCrae, Chris McLean, Gary Pullen, Jack Wratten Jr.) will be recognized at our league banquet on Sunday April 8th when they’ll be awarded the Triple Bogey Men’s League Trophy and each member of the team will receive a gift card, the value of which will almost certainly exceed their contribution.

Banquet (Champions Buffet, Prizes, Skills Competitions)

Where: Brantford location

When: Sunday April 8th from Noon – 4:00 p.m.

Cost: FREE!

Please RSVP to either Jaylea or Sean to confirm your attendance (info@indoorgolfclub.ca)


So, What’s it All About?

     Good question.  It’s long been my contention that the primary reason for joining a league is the theoretical social benefits one derives from hob-knobbing with your fellow members.  There are plenty of ways to spend your leisure time but few if any involve you being singled out, embarrassed, frustrated and ridiculed by both your teammates and fellow members.  It is an irrefutable fact that male golfers feel compelled to root out their friends/teammates shortcomings be they physical, mental or weakness of character.  If a buddy has the yips - you need to know about it and most importantly - you need him to know that you know about it!  The typical male member wouldn't have it any other way.  The way I see it, you can be ignored at a long list of fine establishments in the city of Brantford but it is only at Player’s Indoor Golf that people care enough to kick you when you're down.  

     Looking back on this year’s articles it appears I’ve pretty much nailed everyone that deserved nailing so, at least from that perspective, I’m prepared to label it a success.  I hope everyone enjoyed the program this year and I sincerely apologize if I left any of you out – there’s always next year.  In closing, I want to thank Triple Bogey for their generous sponsorship and Mark Lefler for helping us get through the winter with a wonderful golf-related distraction at a remarkably affordable price.  A lot has happened since we fired up the simulators five months ago.  Don't believe me?  Well, in that case, here's a look back at both the golf world and the real world since we started our first session back in the fall of 2017…


On October 1, 2017, Stephen Paddock opened fire on a crowd of concertgoers at a music festival on the Las Vegas Strip, leaving 58 people dead and 546 injured.  The tragedy prompted rational thinking Americans to call for meaningful gun control legislation and mildly indifferent Senators, Congressmen and NRA members to hastily offer their “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter.

*  Movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, is accused of sexually assaulting pretty much every woman in Hollywood prompting Kevin Spacey to seek treatment for homosexuality at a gay conversion therapy centre in Big Bone Lick, Kentucky.

*  Saying it had radically re-envisioned the very concept of the autonomous vehicle, Buick on Tuesday unveiled the first-ever self-buying car.  Yes, my friends, the new Buick Acquisition is revolutionary in its ability to put a down payment on itself automatically, removing the need for any human initiative at all.

*  In labour news, Ontario college teachers go on strike over a controversial proposed contract change that would allow the College Employer Council to raise the retirement age, which means teachers would have to continue striking for several years longer before they’d be eligible to collect their pensions.



*  On November 2, 2017, Scott Ostrem, walked into a Denver-area Walmart and started shooting people.  In this case, which left three people dead, it took police a full five hours to identify and track down the gunman because of the number of customers who drew their own guns during the shooting.

*  On November 5, 2017, Devin Kelley, massacred 26 people as they prayed at their Sunday morning church service.  Experts are calling the atrocity, the “worst mass church shooting in modern U. S. history” because only in America are gun massacres so violent and frequent that experts now feel the need to add subcategories to contextualize their magnitude.

*  Waving off the current allegations against him as attempts to sabotage his election bid, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore told reporters, “if the American public hadn’t listened to my victims, these women would never have accused me of such heinous crimes.”  Moore went on to say he would continue his run for the Senate despite the charges because while the norms had shifted, they had not shifted nearly as much in Alabama.

*  Charles Manson, the cult leader who formed what became known as the Manson Family in the late 1960’s died in jail on Sunday November 19, 2017.  A spokesperson for the family kindly asked for “complete and utter chaos” while they grieve the psychopathic bastard’s passing.

*  In response to Leeann Tweeden’s allegations of being inappropriately groped by Al Franken, Democratic Party leaders issued calls for a convincing amount of condemnation for the Minnesota senator.  “It’s imperative that we unequivocally go through the motions of rejecting any and all forms of sexual misconduct” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, adding that he hadn’t ruled out taking steps to eventually look into the matter.



*  Republican leaders spoke shortly before the vote for their sweeping new tax bill.  “We’re not home yet, but I’m confident we have the heartlessness needed for this measure to move forward,” said bill co-author Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the utter contempt for the lives of middle class and poor Americans appeared to be “falling into place nicely.”  

*  Donald Trump set off yet another controversy when he formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.  When asked to comment, God, a generally accepted authority on stuff like this was very clear that, as far as He was concerned, Jerusalem wasn’t really that big of a deal anymore.  Said the Heavenly Father, “Jerusalem lost a lot of its ‘cred’ once Jesus left”.

*  Cryptocurrency Bitcoin surged to just over $16,000 in early December.  Experts believe the volatility may be connected to the fact that we’re dealing with a pile of ones and zeros that have no attachment to any bank or government yet we’re still calling it legal tender, but they can’t say for certain.

*  The USGA and R & A jointly announced they’ll no longer field or consider call-ins from viewers as part of rules decisions.  WWE senior officials are apparently monitoring the decision to determine if professional wrestling should adopt a similar policy with respect to fan input during key matches. Rasslin’ purists who are against the change, feel impartial crowd oversight remains an integral aspect of the sport when it comes to exposing distracted, corrupt or biased referees.

*  The media is unsure how to characterize Doug Jones’ win over Roy Moore in a senate by-election when almost half of Alabamians voted for a racist, twice-barred, homophobic pedophile rather than a Democrat.  Knowledgeable insiders are predicting the former judge will now retire from politics to spend more quality time with other people’s teenage daughters.

*  Cardinal Bernard Francis Law, the disgraced Archbishop emeritus of Boston and the first high-level Catholic Church official to be accused of actively participating in the cover-up of child molestation, died at the end of this month.  Now, I know he actively assisted in the molestation/rape of hundreds of children, but I heard that one time, he shook a sick person’s hand so I think things probably even out. 

Shortly after hearing a billionaire’s heart-wrenching story of how he’d like to have even more money, tearful Republicans unanimously pass the new $1.5 trillion tax bill. 



On January 1st, Golf Digest confirmed that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun has inspired readers to; reconsider their half-way house choices, ride less, take an extra club and aim at the middle of every green. 

*  2018 got off to a rip-roaring start, thanks to scathing excerpts from Michael Wolff’s bombshell of a book, Fire And Fury: Inside The Trump White HouseIn an effort to rectify Wolff’s portrait of him as an erratic, angry, and not especially intelligent man, Trump did what any rational world leader would do: He hopped on Twitter and announced he was, like, really smart.  A genius even.  And not just any kind of genius either.  He’s more like a very stable ‘Wile E. Coyote’ type of super genius.

*  Oprah Winfrey delivers an inspirational speech while accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards prompting rumours that she’s “actively thinking” about running for President in 2020.  Knowledgeable insiders who are very knowledgeable about the inside of things immediately scoff at the idea saying there’s no way Americans are going to elect an unqualified TV host with absolutely no political experience.  At press time, both Uma Thurman and The Rock were purported to be in the running for V.P.

*   President Trump is back on the hot seat after the Wall Street Journal reported an alleged $130,000 payment made by one of his lawyers to an adult film star.   Sources state the intended purpose was to cover up an affair between the actress, Stormy Daniels, and the now-President of the United States.  A second accusation by, Jessica Drake, who is also an adult film actress, surfaced a short time later.  Drake was offered $10,000.  My take: Why aren’t more people talking about the pay equality issue in the porn star silencing industry?

*  U.S. foreign relations went further down the toilet when it was widely reported that President Trump, while speaking with a group of senators, referred to Haiti, El Salvador and the continent of Africa as a “bunch of shit-hole countries”.  When questioned about the incident, Trump insisted he didn’t swear and isn’t a racist although he admits to thinking we’d all be better off if those countries, “tried to act a little more Norwegian.”

*  Shortly after 8:00 a.m. on Saturday January 13th, residents of Hawaii were stunned to read the following ominous warning, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII.  SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”  Hawaiians, when faced with what appeared to be their imminent annihilation, did what any normal, god-fearing person would do:  They forsook their sweethearts, shelter, and ever-lasting salvation for their Smartphones so they could tweet about it.  I wish I was making this up. 

*  Brantford City officials were stunned to learn their city wasn’t on the short list to host e-commerce giant Amazon’s new offices.  The omission was a particularly tough blow for Mayor Chris Friel who was so sure we’d win that he pre-emptively razed the entire downtown. 

*  Larry Nassar, a doctor within Gymnastics USA and the Michigan State athletics department, was sentenced to 40 – 175 years in prison for sexually assaulting pretty much every young woman who came through either program since the early 1990’s.  During the impact statements, Dr. Nassar complained that him having to listen to 156 young women recount their experiences was akin to “cruel and inhuman” punishment.  The good news for Larry is now that he’s been sentenced, he won’t have to hear any more exhausting testimony from his victims.  The bad news: I understand child molesters don’t do so well in federal prison.

*  A seemingly never-ending January ends with the news that Ontario PC Leader, Patrick Brown, has resigned amid allegations of sexual misconduct.  Stunned Ontarians were heard to say, “oh, so that’s who Patrick Brown is”.

*  The Cleveland Indians announced that beginning in 2019, “Chief Wahoo” will not be seen on the team’s uniforms, banners and/or signs.  Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted the change puts the team in a very difficult situation because now they’ll be forced to sell a whole new batch of merchandise to their fans.



*  Fortunately, the month starts with a wonderful sports tradition – the Super Bowl – when millions of Americans set aside their differences and join together in rooting for or against professional football players depending on what they do or don’t do during the national anthem.

*  The Canadian Senate passed a bill to change our national anthem’s second line from “in all thy sons” to “in all of us” to make it more inclusive.  Critics jumped in immediately saying the piece still lacks a sufficient number of references to stuff like “rockets” and “bombs bursting” like the cool countries have in their anthems.

*  The 2018 Winter Olympics got underway in PyeongChang, South Korea.  The games featured 2,952 athletes, about 18,000 coaches/trainers/hangers-on and about 10 million Canadians who are convinced they could compete in events like skeleton, luge and/or bobsled if just given the chance.

*  Nikolas Cruz, a 19-year old former student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, stormed the halls, killing 17 students.  Thankfully, American politicians rushed to offer their “thoughts and prayers” for the victims and their families so I think we can safely assume this will be last of this type of tragedy.  Insiders say the NRA plans to release a commemorative line of AR-15 rifles to raise money for the victims.

In an emotionally charged press conference addressing possible gun control legislation, NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, delivered a tearful speech honouring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks.  “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, men with histories of violence are unable to procure an assault-style weapon,” said a visibly annoyed LaPierre who noted that the latest massacre was “almost a week ago” and that the nations protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.

*  Excited fans of TaylorMade drivers lined up to purchase the new M3/M4, which is identical to the M1/M2 except that it contains a special alarm that will alert TaylorMade fans when it’s time to line up to purchase the new TaylorMade M5/M6, due out in approximately three months.

*  President Donald Trump once again courted controversy when he said he would have charged into the Parkland, Fla., school during the shooting even if he’d been unarmed.  Well, that’s as long as there weren’t any bald eagles in there and if he didn’t have those disabling bone spurs that kept him out of Vietnam.



*  Recognizing that sexual harassment is a systemic issue in Hollywood, and that many fans don’t want to support movies made by its perpetrators, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has taken it upon themselves to compile a list of movies that are completely free of influence by any producer, director, actor, screenwriter, location scout or crew member who had sexually harassed someone.  The list is purported to include as many as 14 titles.

*  South Korean officials told the U. S. that Kim Jong-Un might be willing to give up his nuclear ambitions if his regime is guaranteed safety by the United States.  President Trump was quick to respond saying the U. S. would not be bullied into peace.

*  Golf enthusiasts are still trying to determine who won the Valspar Championship but it’s been impossible since none of the headlines include the name of the winner; Golf Channel (This Tiger Nothing Like Recent Years), ESPN (Doubt Him No More: Tiger Will Win Again), Golf Digest (Another Step Closer), USA Today (Tiger Ties For Second Despite Late Birdie).   

*  Golf traditionalists were relieved to learn that some important tweaks were made to the “modernized” rules of golf as proposed by the USGA in early 2017.  Purists were particularly pleased to hear that when taking relief, players will now drop from knee height rather than the current shoulder height which gave an unfair advantage to “all of the sneaky dwarfs out there”.

*  Theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, by almost any measure one of the most famous and respected scientists of the 20th and 21st centuries, died at the age of 76 which, I guess, makes me the smartest man in the world now. 

*  A bulldog died after a United flight attendant instructed a passenger to place it in the overhead bin.  The negative publicity will undoubtedly hurt the company until people learn United has the cheapest direct flights in their search criteria.

*  Mark Anthony Conditt, the man who was suspected of carrying out the recent string of deadly package bombings in Austin, Texas has died after blowing himself up.  I can’t help but think that if we all had access to bombs and bomb-making material this never would have happened because a good guy with a bomb can always stop a bad guy with a bomb.

*  The automotive world paid its respects to the self-driving car that was recently involved in a fatal crash.  The Volvo XC90 drove itself off a cliff in Arizona, having become withdrawn and depressed as it struggled to reach the expectations heaped upon it.

*  Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt.  I hope this doesn’t generate any negative press for gun manufacturers.



*  The impossible-to-explain practice of young people recording themselves eating and/or pretending to eat Tide pods and then posting the video became so popular that it prompted the CEO of Proctor & Gamble, David Taylor, to write a blog post suggesting the reason kids are doing it is because kids are stupid.  No argument from me on this one.  

... more to come


That is all,



Mar 29, 2018 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

Big Change at the Top With Only One Week Left...

     Well, my friends, the facts are these;

Team One, who have led the league from week one, shocked the local golf community last night when they only had four players post a score.  Their default (a team must have at least six players in order to post a team score), meant they got 0 points for the night which allowed the rest of the teams to make up significant ground.

Team Three is now in 1st place with a slim 3-point lead.  It will be interesting to see if Captain Shannon and/or Vice Captain Bomberry can rally their troops for next week's final outing.  The points will again be increased which means this one ain't over.

     I have to admit that as much as I hate to see a team default, it was nice to see the Standings tighten up going into our final week.  Team Three, who posted a pretty decent 212 for the week were led by Brady Hill, whose net 30 was exactly 10 shots lower than any score he’s put up this session and Jack Wratten Jr. who was low on the gross side with a none-too-shabby, 38.  Jackie Jr., who was inexplicably hanging around the club long after his day was over (actually it’s pretty obvious why he wouldn’t leave; guys who go low always stick around longer than guys who stink the joint out) looked pretty pleased with himself so I made a point of saying hello and congratulating him on his great round – a rookie mistake.  You’d think that after 30 + years of hanging around golf courses I’d be a little more careful when posing the always dangerous, “so, how did you play” question.  As it turns out, young Mr. Wratten is one of those people who insists on giving you the entire story – yes, my friends – the dreaded hole-by-hole “verbal replaying” of the round and, as a bonus; he’s not averse to a little swing analysis just in case you had any second thoughts about killing yourself on the spot. Oh, the humanity.