Welcome to the Brantford / Kitchener Men's Indoor Golf League 2017-2018 Season

Jan 11, 2018 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

Week One Playoff Update

     I apologize for the brevity of this week’s post.  I had a couple of things come up this morning which precluded me from dedicating my usual 3 – 4 hours of Thursday morning writing.  The facts are these;

*  We’re one week into our two-week playoff which means next week is our final week.

*  Team One lost some ground to the field this week but they still hold a decent if not unsurmountable lead.  The points for this coming week are such that this thing ain’t over.

*  Our Gross (11.02) and Net (17.02) Stableford Scoring Averages were remarkably high this week. 

*  Dave Jackson was on top of the Gross Stableford page with 20 points.  Nice shootin'

*  Ryan Heeg, bounced back after a couple of disappointing weeks and put up 25 Net Stableford Points.

*  Greywolf is one gorgeous golf course. 

     So, what’s in store for the final week of the Triple Bogey Men’s League Tour?  Well, I have no earthly idea but perhaps this golf-related horoscope will help;

Aries | March 21 to April 20: A smooth putting stroke and a charming personality will only take you so far in this game, which is good news, considering you have neither.

Taurus | April 21 to May 20: The stars indicate you’ll make a hole-in-one this week which makes you wish you believed in all this astrology crap now.

Gemini | May 22 to June 21: It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

Cancer | June 22 to July 21: This might be the week when every facet of your golf game finally falls into place.  Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.

Leo | July 23 to August 23: After your 3rd time around as a horrible player, you’re really becoming disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.

Virgo | August 24 to September 22: The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a two-dimensional model of our solar system.

Libra | September 23 to October 23: You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You’ll continue to stink at this game for the foreseeable future.

Scorpio | October 24 to November 22: You have your whole life ahead of you but it would probably be wise to think of it in terms of quality and not quantity if you know what I mean.

Sagittarius | November 23 to December 21: Personal growth, a hot putter and a remarkable increase in distance await you this week.  As does wishful thinking.

Capricorn | December 22 to January 20: Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you'll learn to live with all the mediocre stuff it gets you.

Aquarius | January 21 to February 18: When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad.  But that won't stop the three bastards you’re playing with from trying.

Pisces | February 19 to March 20: Scott Newsome and Jack Wratten will be shocked and embarassed when they learn that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.

Click HERE to view the Skins Results          Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot Results

Click HERE to view the Gross Scoring Averages          Click HERE to view the Net Scoring Averages

Next Week:  It’s our final week of this session.  We’ll be playing the front nine of Bandon Dunes at the Bandon Dunes Golf Resort in Bandon, Oregon.  I hope you’ve all enjoyed the golf, the camaraderie and, heaven forbid, the blog and, most importantly, I hope you’ll consider signing up for the next 10-week session which starts on Wednesday January 31st.  Please speak with a staff member to confirm your entry; brantford@indoorgolfclubs.ca  *  kitchener@indoorgolfclubs.ca


That is all,



Brantford, Ontario / Player's Indoor Golf - After a fourth female server stepped forward alleging that virtually every member of the Wednesday Triple Bogey Men's League had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard manner, the Brantford Expositor announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of this highly proper conduct.  “I assure you we are taking these commendations very seriously,” said owner, Mark Lefler when speaking to the claims that the widely respected member’s considerate interactions with the female wait staff were entirely expected and not at all surprising.  “While some have said their thoughtfulness and generosity were something of an open secret at the club, I want to assure the membership that I was only made aware of these qualities very recently when league convener, Pat Alpaugh, generously bought a round for himself.”  More to come...

Playoff Update

The seeding for the playoffs is now set;

Team One will start the playoffs with 154 points

Team Four will start the playoffs 133 with points

Team Two will start the playoffs with 111 points

Team Three will start the playoffs with 103 points

     The playoffs will run for two weeks beginning next Wednesday, January 10th.  The format is much like the FEDEX Cup; we're switching to medal play.  Rather than head-to-head matches, teams are now competing against every other team for a share of the purse, which is represented by points.  The better your team score, the more points your team earns. This format allows for a great deal of volatility so now's the time for every good man to come to the aid of the party!

     I'd be remiss if I didn't recognize a few of our most impressive individual performances this session;

Danny Marsh won $252 by making a deuce on # 11 (the bastard)

Dave Jackson and Chris McLean both shot one-under par (gross)

Dave DeFransisco posted the highest Net Stableford score I've ever heard of (26 points)

Dale Folino refuted the previous claim when he posted the same net score (26 points) as Mr. DeFransisco

Mark Polischuk went from 1st on the Low Gross page last week to 1st on the Most Useless Bastard list this week.  I realize Mark's feat isn't anything to crow about but I think you'll agree it's impressive and I felt it was time to take the cocky SOB down a peg. I'd prefer you keep this part between us.


So, What The Hell is Going on With Your Game?

     As much as I enjoy the night out, I have to admit I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with the short game portion of indoor golf.  As such, I decided that, this week, I'd try something new - a pre-shot routine.  Like most of my life-altering solutions it was hatched on the way up to the club and solidified the moment my name popped up on the screen.  Since discipline and dedication are the hallmarks of every great player I figured I’d stick with it until I hit two bad shots in a row.  I mean, you don’t want to beat the damn thing to death.  Now, I’m prepared to admit that my new "routine" is probably different than most; it became somewhat of a fluid art and varied significantly depending on the outcome of the previous shot.  If I was going nicely I went by the book; carefully focusing on my target, aligning myself and then initiating the takeaway with a specific swing "key".  If the preceding shot was unsatisfactory, well… I have no idea what the hell I did then.  All I know for sure is that it began with a very rhythmic, "all right you idiot, just once… ".  So, anyway, there I was, teed up and cocksure on the 10th hole (we played the back nine this week) but already 2-over and whatever cock not-so-sure is when my ball bounded over the back right of the 11th green.  Oh, the humanity.  I'll have to come up with something new for next week.

Click HERE to view the Skins Results          Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot Results

Click HERE to view the Gross Scoring Averages          Click HERE to view the Net Scoring Averages


Next Week:  We head west to take on the cliffhanger when we play the front nine of the gorgeous Greywolf Golf Course in Panorma, British Columbia.

That is all,



Dec 28, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

Playoffs?!? You Talkin' Bout Playoffs???

     We had 39 hearty souls post a score yesterday which is pretty damn good when you consider that by the time we teed off the thermometer and Kris Bentley's gross Stableford Points were almost exactly the same.  Yes, fellow Grinches, it was that cold!

     With but one week remaining before we embark on our two-week playoff, Team's One & Four are slowly separating themselves from the pack.     

     It's almost time to grow your beards cause in one week we're headin’ to the Post Season!  How does it all work, you ask?  This nifty Q & A should explain it perfectly;

League Playoffs  -  Q & A

Q: What is the format?

A: The format of our playoffs is similar to the FedExCup format.  Simply stated, there is no more Team vs. Team.  During the playoffs, each team competes against the other teams for a piece of the weekly purse, which is represented by points.  The lower your team's score, the more points your team will earn for that particular week.  This format is very volatile which means every team is still very much in it.


Q:  When do the playoffs start?

A:  Our final week of regular season play is Wednesday January 3rd.  The playoffs start on Wednesday January 10th.


Q: What happens to the points my team earned during the regular season?

A: Teams will start the playoffs with the same number of points they accumulated during the regular season.


Q: How will the points be distributed during the playoffs?

1st...     20 Points

2nd...    15 Points  

3rd...     10 Points  

4th...       5 Points

*  IMPORTANT: The points will increase for the second week of the playoffs


Q: Will participation still count?

A: Absolutely! Participation Points will be added to the Performance Points listed above.


Q: What does it all mean, man?

A: The team in 1st place at the conclusion of the Playoffs will be our Triple Bogey League Champions!  A distinction that admittedly carries little weight out in the real world.  Beyond that, not a whole hell of a lot.


Q: How long will the playoffs run?

A: The playoffs will run for two weeks - Wednesday January 10th and Wednesday January 17th.


Click HERE to view the Skins Results          Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot Results

Click HERE to view the Gross Scoring Averages          Click HERE to view the Net Scoring Averages


Next Week:  We join the PGA Tour when we'll play the back nine of the gorgeous Plantation Course in Kapalua.


That is all,



Dec 21, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

Swearing Is An Art Form...

     The facts are these; Team One and Team Four are tied at the top of the Standings with only two weeks remaining in the Regular Season.  The other two squads are well within striking distance but they'll need two good weeks if they hope to change things at the top.  I'll have a little more detail regarding the Playoffs for you next week but rest assured you want to go into the playoffs with every point you can muster so it's important that every able-bodied player post a score.  Again, we're playing on Wednesday Dec. 27th and Wednesday Jan. 3rd so adjust your schedule accordingly.

     With apologies to Mr. Charles Dickens, this week's scoring reminded me of the opening lines of 'A Tale of Two Cities' (for those of you who don't spend a lot of time in the library; it was the best of times, it was the worst of times) although, frankly, we saw a little more of the latter than the former.  I mean, what happened on the 18th hole?!?!  We had seven septuple bogeys, two sextuples, six quints, and a partridge in a nearby Pine tree wondering what the hell was going on.  Oh, the humanity! 

     Speaking of Useless Bastards, I couldn't help but notice newbie, Mr. Randy Moyer who, unfortunately learned that the idiosyncrasies of indoor golf are not terribly disimlar to the idiosyncrasies of outdoor golf.  Randy's net score of 49 (5 Gross Stableford Points / 8 Net Stableford Points) sent him careening to the top of the Most Useless Page where he was accompanied by, Brad Fischer, Chuck McRae, Danny Marsh and Jon KutybaFYI: the Most Useless page is where we proudly display the names of the five league members who played the worst relative to their league handicap.  Their critics say they're short off the tee, have crappy short games and are severely lacking on the mental side of the game.  Sadly, their supporters say exactly the same thing.  Editor's Note: This part is actually kind of funny as long as it's not about you.

So, Who is This Guy, Randy Moyer?

     Anyone who follows sport will agree there’s a tangible sense of awe when you realize you’re watching an in-their-prime professional plying his trade.  Whether it was Woods on the golf course, Jordan on the hard court or Mr. Moyer chastising yet another particularly poor shot on a Wednesday, it’s truly humbling to witness an elite performer at the top of his game.

     Since starting the Triple Bogey Men's League, I’ve heard plenty of boys who can take it pretty deep when it comes to vulgarity but, for my money, when dealing with your big-time, major-league, do-you-eat-with-that-mouth blasphemy; well, my friends, I’m perfectly comfortable taking Randy over the entire field.  Mr. Moyer is a highly-skilled practitioner who works in profanity the way other artists might work in oil or clay.  Filth is his true medium and he's a master who is capable of weaving such a vivid tapestry of offensiveness that I’m almost certain pieces of it remain on display long after he's vacated the property.  The best part of all this; his exhibitions are almost always nepotism free so you can rest assured he’ll treat all races, creeds and colours equally.  That’s important to me.  God bless Randy and the traditions of the grand olde game.

Click HERE to view the Skins Results          Click HERE to view the Deuce Pot Results

Click HERE to view the Gross Scoring Averages          Click HERE to view the Net Scoring Averages

Next Week: December 27th we're off to the west coast to see what's happening on the front nine of Pacific Dunes. 


Merry Christmas,



The Tour Visits the Bear Trap...

Dec 14, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

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What's In A Name?

Dec 7, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

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Mathematically Challenged

Nov 30, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

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Standings Are Tight After Second Week of Team Play

Nov 23, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

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2017 / 2018 Indoor League is Underway!

Nov 16, 2017 | Posted by Pat Alpaugh

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2017 / 2018 Season

Nov 7, 2017 | Posted by Mark Lefler

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Read Last Seasons Entries
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January 10th play was on the front nine of the Greywolf Golf Course



Top Team

Team Two




High Stableford (Gross)

Dave Jackson





High Total Points (Net)

Ryan Heeg





Skins - Net

Dale Folino

Ryan Heeg

John Kutyba

Brad McIver

$66.75 each




Deuce Pot - Gross

Gord Dunn

Jim Howard

Dave Jackson x 2

John Kutyba

$18.80 each


Last Players Score Entered 26 minutes 20 seconds ago

Money List
Pos. Name Winnings
1 Danny Marsh $280.67
2 Dale Folino $192.75
3 Dave Jackson $181.93
4 Chris McLean $127
5 Brad McIver $125.25
6 Jack Wratten Jr. $100.67
7 Jim Delisle $86
8 Jon Kutyba $85.55
9 Brad Halyk $72
10 Rob Butler $71.67
11 Ryan Heeg $66.75
12 Gordon Dunn $61.8
13 Kyle Clifford $58.5
T14 Chris Olekas $57.33
T14 Jack Wratten $57.33
T16 Kent Foster $48
T16 Mark Polischuk $48
T18 Mario Pani $45
T18 Scott Newsome $45
T18 Kris Bentley $45
21 Jerry Martin $43
22 Dave Pugh $42
23 Jim Howard $18.8
T24 Jordan Matwyko $0
T24 Randy Moyer $0
T24 Chris Pollinger $0
T24 Ron Sault $0
T24 Teddy Schotten $0
T24 Mike Smith $0
T24 Brad Steedman $0
T24 Jeff Alpaugh $0
T24 Pat Alpaugh $0
T24 Dan Douwes $0
T24 Scott Elliot $0
T24 Leo Eikelman $0
T24 Todd Downey $0
T24 Ron Douwes $0
T24 Dave DeFransisco $0
T24 Jeff Dixon $0
T24 Brad Fischer $0
T24 Don Cullen $0
T24 Jim Cassidy $0
T24 John Buccilli $0
T24 Dayle Bomberry $0
T24 Jeff Barclay $0
T24 Chuck McCrae $0
T24 Nick Folino $0
T24 Brian Herr $0
T24 Fred Humphrey $0
T24 Kevin Jackson $0
T24 Frank Lee $0
T24 Mike Lestage $0
T24 Nate Lockey $0
Total Payout $1960