Welcome to the Monday Men's League 2018 Season

2018 Monday Men's League / Off Season In Review

Jan 31, 2018 | Posted by Riley Boothby

     Hello and welcome to the 2018 Monday Men’s League at Glen Eagles.  Naturally, with the opening of the course, thoughts will quickly turn to the best league in the area.  Joining the league is simple; send me an Email (riley@gleneaglesgolf.com) and I'll make sure you're in.   

     As most are aware, the league “competition” occurs each Monday starting April 23rd.   Participants are free to play at any time during the day and with anyone of their choosing.   The beauty of the format is that it rewards both performance and participation.  You don’t necessarily hurt your team when you don’t play but you definitely help your team when you do play so please don’t be concerned if you can’t play every week.  Sure we have guys who play every week but many, many of the participants are simply unable to make that commitment but – and this is important – every player who signs up is important and valuable to their team.  All we ask is that you play as often as your schedule and wife permits.

 

So, What’s Been Going on Since We Last Spoke?

     It appears you're asking me to provide some sort of a review of the off season.  Well, I really don’t have much to say but here goes;

October

On October 1, 2017, Stephen Paddock opened fire on a crowd of concertgoers at a music festival on the Las Vegas Strip, leaving 58 people dead and 546 injured.  The tragedy prompted rational thinking Americans to call for meaningful gun control legislation and mildly indifferent Senators, Congressmen and NRA members to hastily offer their “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter.

In an emotionally charged press conference addressing possible gun control legislation, NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, delivered a tearful speech honouring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks.  “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, men with histories of violence are unable to procure an assault-style weapon,” said a visibly annoyed LaPierre who noted that the latest massacre was “almost a week ago” and that the nations protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.

*  Movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, is accused of sexually assaulting pretty much every woman in Hollywood prompting Kevin Spacey to seek treatment for homosexuality at a gay conversion therapy centre in Big Bone Lick, Kentucky.

*  In labour news, Ontario college teachers go on strike over a controversial proposed contract change that would allow the College Employer Council to raise the retirement age, which means teachers would have to continue striking for several years longer before they’d be eligible to collect their pensions.

 

November

*  On November 2, 2017, Scott Ostrem, walked into a Denver-area Walmart and started shooting people.  In this case, which left three people dead, it took police a full five hours to identify and track down the gunman because of the number of customers who drew their own guns during the shooting.

*  On November 5, 2017, Devin Kelley, massacred 26 people as they prayed at their Sunday morning church service.  Experts are calling the atrocity, the “worst mass church shooting in modern U. S. history” because only in America are gun massacres so violent and frequent that experts now feel the need to add subcategories to contextualize their magnitude.

*  Waving off the current allegations against him as attempts to sabotage his election bid, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore told reporters, “if the American public hadn’t listened to my victims, these women would never have accused me of such heinous crimes.”  Moore went on to say he would continue his run for the Senate despite the charges because while the norms had shifted, they had not shifted nearly as much in Alabama.

*  Charles Manson, the cult leader who formed what became known as the Manson Family in the late 1960’s died in jail on Sunday November 19, 2017.  Charlie’s death prompted, Jesus Christ to express his frustration with being forced to find yet another vessel for his reincarnation and subsequent Second Coming.  A spokesperson for the family kindly asked for “complete and utter chaos” while they grieve the psychopathic bastard’s passing.

*  In response to Leeann Tweeden’s allegations of being inappropriately groped by Al Franken, Democratic Party leaders issued calls for a convincing amount of condemnation for the Minnesota senator.  “It’s imperative that we unequivocally go through the motions of rejecting any and all forms of sexual misconduct” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, adding that he hadn’t ruled out taking steps to eventually look into the matter.

 

December

*  Republican leaders spoke shortly before the vote for their sweeping new tax bill.  “We’re not home yet, but I’m confident we have the heartlessness needed for this measure to move forward,” said bill co-author Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the utter contempt for the lives of middle class and poor Americans appeared to be “falling into place nicely.”  

*  Donald Trump set off yet another controversy when he formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.  When asked to comment, God, a generally accepted authority on stuff like this was very clear that, as far as He was concerned, Jerusalem wasn’t really that big of a deal anymore.  Said the Heavenly Father, “Jerusalem lost a lot of its ‘cred’ once Jesus left”.

*  Cryptocurrency Bitcoin surged to just over $16,000 in early December.  Experts believe the volatility may be connected to the fact that we’re dealing with a pile of ones and zeros that have no attachment to any bank or government yet we’re still calling it legal tender, but they can’t say for certain.

*  The USGA and R & A jointly announced they’ll no longer field or consider call-ins from viewers as part of rules decisions.  WWE senior officials are apparently monitoring the decision to determine if professional wrestling should adopt a similar policy with respect to fan input during key matches. Rasslin’ purists who are against the change, feel impartial crowd oversight remains an integral aspect of the sport when it comes to exposing distracted, corrupt or biased referees.

*  The media is unsure how to characterize Doug Jones’ win over Roy Moore in a senate by-election when almost half of Alabamians voted for a racist, twice-barred, homophobic pedophile rather than a Democrat.  Knowledgeable insiders are predicting the former judge will now retire from politics to spend more quality time with other people’s teenage daughters.

*  Cardinal Bernard Francis Law, the disgraced Archbishop emeritus of Boston and the first high-level Catholic Church official to be accused of actively participating in the cover-up of child molestation, died at the end of this month.  Now, I know he actively assisted in the molestation/rape of hundreds of children, but I heard that one time, he shook a sick person’s hand so I think things will probably even out. 

Shortly after hearing a billionaire’s heart-wrenching story of how he’d like to have even more money, tearful Republicans unanimously pass the new $1.5 trillion tax bill. 

 

January

On January 1st, Golf Digest confirmed that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun has inspired readers to; reconsider their half-way house choices, ride less, take an extra club and aim at the middle of every green. 

*  2018 got off to a rip-roaring start, thanks to scathing excerpts from Michael Wolff’s bombshell of a book, Fire And Fury: Inside The Trump White HouseIn an effort to rectify Wolff’s portrait of him as an erratic, angry, and not especially intelligent man, Trump did what any rational world leader would do: He hopped on Twitter and announced he was, like, really smart.  A genius even.  And not just any kind of genius either.  He’s more like a very stable ‘Wile E. Coyote’ type of super genius.

*  Oprah Winfrey delivers an inspirational speech while accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards prompting rumours that she’s “actively thinking” about running for President in 2020.  Knowledgeable insiders who are very knowledgeable about the inside of things immediately scoff at the idea saying there’s no way Americans are going to elect an unqualified TV host with absolutely no political experience.  At press time, both Uma Thurman and The Rock were purported to be in the running for V.P.

*   President Trump is back on the hot seat after the Wall Street Journal reported an alleged $130,000 payment made by one of his lawyers to an adult film star.   Sources state the intended purpose was to cover up an affair between the actress, Stormy Daniels, and the now-President of the United States.  A second accusation by, Jessica Drake, who is also an adult film actress, surfaced a short time later.  Drake was offered $10,000.  My take: Why aren’t more people talking about the pay equality issue in the porn star silencing industry?

*  U.S. foreign relations went further down the toilet when it was widely reported that President Trump, while speaking with a group of senators, referred to Haiti, El Salvador and the continent of Africa as a “bunch of shit-hole countries”.  When questioned about the incident, Trump insisted he didn’t swear and isn’t a racist although he admits to thinking we’d all be better off if those countries, “tried to act a little more Norwegian.”

*  Shortly after 8:00 a.m. on Saturday January 13th, residents of Hawaii were stunned to read the following ominous warning, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII.  SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”  Hawaiians, when faced with what appeared to be their imminent annihilation, did what any normal, god-fearing person would do:  They forsook their sweethearts, shelter, and ever-lasting salvation for their Smartphones so they could tweet about it.  I wish I was making this up.  

*  Cochrane city officials were stunned to learn their city wasn’t on the short list to host e-commerce giant Amazon’s new offices.  The omission was a particularly tough blow for Mayor, Jeff Genung, who was so sure we’d win that he pre-emptively razed the entire downtown. 

*  At 12:01 a.m. on January 20th, the United States Government shut down for the second time in five years which would have been a real shame except that only about 12% of the government was functioning. 

*  On Monday January 22nd, the Senate voted 81 to 18 to reopen the federal government, bringing the three-day shutdown to an end proving that Democrats could be as tough as anyone for almost 70 hours.

*  Larry Nassar, a doctor within Gymnastics USA and the Michigan State athletics department, was sentenced to 40 – 175 years in prison for sexually assaulting pretty much every young woman who came through either program since the early 1990’s.  During the impact statements, Dr. Nassar complained that him having to listen to 156 young women recount their experiences was akin to “cruel and inhuman” punishment.  The good news for Larry is now that he’s been sentenced, he won’t have to hear any more exhausting testimony from his victims.  The bad news: I understand child molesters don’t do so well in federal prison.

*  The Cleveland Indians announced that beginning in 2019, “Chief Wahoo” will not be seen on the team’s uniforms, banners and/or signs.  Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations.

 

February

*  Fortunately, the month starts with a wonderful sports tradition – the Super Bowl – when millions of Americans set aside their differences and join together in rooting for or against professional football players depending on what they do or don’t do during the national anthem.

*  The Canadian Senate passed a bill to change our national anthem’s second line from “in all thy sons” to “in all of us” to make it more inclusive.  Critics jumped in immediately saying the piece still lacks a sufficient number of references to stuff like “rockets” and “bombs bursting” like the cool countries have in their anthems.

*  The 2018 Winter Olympics got underway in PyeongChang, South Korea.  The games featured 2,952 athletes, about 18,000 coaches/trainers/hangers-on and about 10 million Canadians who are convinced they could compete in events like skeleton, luge and/or bobsled if just given the chance.

*  Nikolas Cruz, a 19-year old former student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, stormed the halls with an AR-15 rifle, killing 17 students.  Thankfully, American politicians rushed to offer their “thoughts and prayers” for the victims and their families so I think we can safely assume this will be last of this type of tragedies.

In an emotionally charged press conference addressing possible gun control legislation, NRA CEO and Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, delivered a tearful speech honouring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks.  “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, men with histories of violence are unable to procure an assault-style weapon,” said a visibly annoyed LaPierre who noted that the latest massacre was “almost a week ago” and that the nations protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.

*  President Donald Trump once again courted controversy when he said he would have charged into the Parkland, Fla., school during the shooting even if he’d been unarmed.  Well, that’s as long as there weren’t any bald eagles in there and if he didn’t have those disabling bone spurs that kept him out of Vietnam.

*  In an embarrassing moment for Presidential son-in-law, Jared Kushner, a memo confirmed he’d lost his top-secret access.  Supporters are now concerned this could hamper his ability to pretend he’s got a real job within the White House.

 

March

*  Recognizing that sexual harassment is a systemic issue in Hollywood, and that many fans don’t want to support movies made by its perpetrators, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has taken it upon themselves to compile a list of movies that are completely free of influence by any producer, director, actor, screenwriter, location scout or crew member who had sexually harassed someone.  The list is purported to include as many as 14 titles.

*  South Korean officials told the U. S. that Kim Jong-Un might be willing to give up his nuclear ambitions if his regime is guaranteed safety by the United States.  President Trump was quick to respond saying the U. S. would not be bullied into peace.

*  Golf enthusiasts are still trying to determine who won the Valspar Championship but it’s been impossible since none of the headlines include the name of the winner; Golf Channel (This Tiger Nothing Like Recent Years), ESPN (Doubt Him No More: Tiger Will Win Again), Golf Digest (Another Step Closer), USA Today (Tiger Ties For Second Despite Late Birdie). 

*  Traditionalists were relieved to learn that some important tweaks were made to the “modernized” rules of golf as proposed by the USGA in early 2017.  Golf purists were particularly pleased to hear that when taking relief, players will now drop from knee height rather than the current shoulder height which in his opinion, gave an unfair advantage to “all of the sneaky dwarfs out there”.

*  Theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, by almost any measure one of the most famous and respected scientists of the 20th and 21st centuries, died at the age of 76 which, I guess, makes me the smartest man in the world now. 

*  A bulldog died after a United flight attendant instructed a passenger to place it in the overhead bin.  The negative publicity will undoubtedly hurt the company until people learn United has the cheapest direct flights in their search criteria.

*  Mark Anthony Conditt, the man who was suspected of carrying out the recent string of deadly package bombings in Austin, Texas has died after blowing himself up.  I can’t help but think that if we all had access to bombs and bomb-making material this never would have happened because a good guy with a bomb can always stop a bad guy with a bomb.

 

... more to come

 

Riley


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